Month: July 2021

The Night after the Night before

One of the downsides for me of having such a vibrant, active social life is when I have a night out and then don’t go out the night after. I get this night after the night before feeling.

Let me explain.

Fortunately, I have a very active social life and when I go out I socialise with lots of people.

I might go out with one or two friends but we nearly always meet a lot of other social acquaintances as we move from bar to bar and this is is one of the problems and also one of the reasons that I get the night after the night before feeling.

I also go out with friends who I absolutely love and adore.

We laugh and laugh and laugh. We look after each other. We care about each other. Most importantly we never argue no matter how much we drink.

Mutual respect and understanding.

Plus none of us want to fuck each other! We just want each other’s friendship.

So on the night after the night before I tend to get a little bit down because of the amazing night or weekend I’ve just had. Plus it’s now over, it’s not necessarily back to reality more back to home life, which in my case absolutely sucks.

So I get a little bit depression knowing that the fantastic night I’ve had the night before won’t reoccur, at the very least for a few days or maybe even a few weeks.

Yes, I’d really like to go out every single night and I think I probably could still function as a human being the day after. In November 2019 I lived in the city center for almost 2 months and my friend and I went out every night for a month. I’ll come back to this in a minute.

So, I leave Manchester and the closer I get where I live the more my anxiety grows as the knowledge that I not only don’t want to live here but because some of the people in the village are absolutely vile towards me.

This really contributes to the night after the night before feeling. Coming home to somewhere you don’t feel the same or like it’s home.

The sooner I can leave this place the happy I will be.

Now some of you might be saying who can afford to go out every night? Well, I can.

That’s not some conceited remark it’s not even with careful planning and budgeting it’s about going out to socialise. Not going out to get absolutely drunk off our heads.

On a night out on Wednesday my friend Jane and I got a bit merry, talked a lot, not just to each other but other people we know and then we danced for about 2-hours and we only spent £20 each.

I definitely had that night after the night before after that night out!

Emotional Wreck

What’s been going on this past couple of weeks in my head, I do not know but I’ve been an emotional wreck.

For about a week and a half, my propensity to cry at the drop of a hat has gone through the roof with today being the worst.

Yes, I actually broke down and cried in a client’s office today. Don’t know why, just started crying. Wasn’t even thinking about anything in particular.

I also broke down while talking to my friend Jane on Wednesday evening and again on the phone this morning. We were talking about politics this morning and I just got this massive wave of sadness and I burst into tears. I can’t remember what we talked about on Wednesday night but again a massive wave of emotions and started to cry.

Now I haven’t changed anything other than a slight change in my medication so I’ve toned it back a bit to see if this changed things but need to give it time to see what happens. I’ve been okay today but need to see for a few days yet.

I’ll try my best to describe this wave of emotion though.

When it’s happened I’ve been busy doing something else and then all of a sudden I get this overwhelming feeling of sadness, like when someone close dies or when you get dumped and next thing I know I cannot resist the urge to cry. So I cry, and we’re not talking a little sniffle here but full-on waterworks.

Then quick as it started, it goes and I’m okay again!

That’s not me anymore

I’ve been having a talk today with Kevin who who is a great leveller and sage despite his younger years and I was talking about amalgamating an old website with this one and wondering whether or not I should do that because the old website is my past and this is my future. The old Vs the new basically!

Because of this I have decided the old website is not me anymore and that the content contained therein in is best left where it is for prosperity.

Since writing the information on the other website I personally, mentally and physically changed and matured. That information on the old website would not be in keeping or reflect who I am today.

You’re probably wondering why I put this on my website? Well, maybe I want to pad out my new website with an opinion which is irrelevant? Or I’m writing this to get my thoughts out of my head!

I’m also writing this because I think I need to draw line under my old life and actually move on from the past and I shouldn’t let that influence the present or the future.

I’m not even going to put a link to the old website either as anything that is on there was written by a completely different person to what you see in front of you now.

So I’ve written this more to tell myself not to look back, not too to reference my past life, not too look at my former musings my former articles and look forward. But most of all inspire me to write new articles with my new prospective and outlook on life.


My Transition Story

I just wanted to write something about my transition story, over the past two years of my life. Some might look at this as weird or strange and some may say, even bizarre. I wanted to express what the last two years have felt like to me as a trans person as I transition from Male to Female.

First and foremost, let’s discuss me actually admitting to myself that I was transgender.

I know some of you will be thinking that I just woke up one morning and said to myself “I am trans, I want to be a woman”. <shakes head>

Nope, This isn’t how it happened at all!

I’ve known pretty much all my life that the body I inhabit on this metaphysical plane isn’t right.

Every day I look at myself in the mirror and what I see, not only do I not like, but also I don’t feel comfortable inside. On some days I actually detest what I see and I can’t look at myself. Sometimes this feeling lasts for days, even weeks and in the past has caused me major mental anguish, anxiety, and depression.

After lots of psychotherapy, I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I’m not going to explain what this is but the link above will give you a lot of information about what you need to know. This diagnosis sent me into a tailspin initially and took me over 6 months to get my head around and I basically shut my life down to help me make sense of what I’d been told.

In November 2019, I started to identify more as a woman than as a man and what prevented me from taking a giant leap at that stage was this nagging doubt in the back of my mind, “what will everybody else think!” Plus I don’t think I was ready to suddenly wake up and change my life in one fell swoop.

However, what also stopped me was that I am at the crossroads of the biggest moment of my life and I’m still thinking about others!!!

If there is one thing I’ve learned in my life is don’t be a people pleaser. Just don’t. Be yourself, speak your mind, no matter how upset others get, and most of all be honest with yourself. *

Anyway, I digress.

I have this nagging doubt about coming out. This wasn’t to do with my friends but was more to do with, “what will my customers think?”.

Being self-employed I rely on my customers to make a living, and I honestly had real anxiety about telling my clients about the real me.

This was more a rampant fear about losing my livelihood than what anybody else would think about me as a person.

This really did screw with my head until March 2020 when I outed myself to one of my biggest clients, whom I bumped into on a night out in Manchester. I could see he kept looking at me in the club and eventually I got up and went over and said “hi”. He was very shocked but also confused so I left him and his friends for their evening out.

A few days later I got a call asking me to go and see him and half expected to be sacked as a contractor because of the sensitive nature of their work. What actually happened was the exact opposite.

First of all, he asked me why I hadn’t told him before but he was also incredibly supportive and we had a very long chat about not only my sexuality but his and also how this wouldn’t affect our business relationship. He then gave me quite a bit of work.

Jump forward to the end of March 2020 and COVID happening along with lockdown.

This insular isolation, imposed upon us by the government actually did send me a bit crazy because I was no longer able to express who I was in a manner I had got accustomed to.

Not being able to separate my home life from my leisure life made me realise that I needed to identify as the real me more and more in my own home. The line between past and future became less and less blurred and I only saw the future.

My housemate already knew about me identifying as female as we’d talked about this long before we’d become housemates and got a house together. She has been very supportive right from the start. Her mantra of “Your life, you need to live it as you see fit and do what makes you happy”.

From April to June of 2020 I no longer identified as male. Coupled with during the lockdown, I did continue to work in empty offices so was able to express myself but ultimately I had to face coming out to all my customers.

Cue the dramatic cut scene movie music. Dun Dun Duuuuur!

When things started to reopen fully in July I started going to offices again. At this point, I actually had a massive conflict within myself because I’d now gone from being who I wasn’t to who I am. This made me think and ask myself, “do I take a step back just to appease others in my appearance?”

After much heartache, worry, and discussions with my very close friends I decided the I couldn’t take that backward step no matter what the consequences. No matter how bad things got I couldn’t step backward.

On that day after I went to five client’s offices and walked in there in my best heels and dress, head held high and proudly proclaimed “Hi, this is the real me”. This had mixed reactions.

Most people said, “Oh! Ok”. A few people were shocked and one of the five, I’ve never seen again!

The ones who said “Oh! OK”, I still deal with them to this day as well as having a much better relationship with them than before and we’ve talked lots about my transition. Some view my journey with interest and others are just happy that I am happy.

Everyone in my life now knows and not to put too fine a point on this, I don’t care what they or others think because ultimately this is my life and I will live it as I see fit.

Took me 50 years to work that out!

It’s taken a shit tonne of courage* for me to get to this point in my life and to get to the point where I also don’t care what your think about me. From someone who was quite critical of their life and what other thought about themselves, to get to the point where I now don’t care what others think has also taken a huge amount of courage, ala a shit tonne!

Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but ultimately do I care what that opinion is? No!

Think what you think, I’ll still live my life as I see fit and I am happy.

* Prior to starting my transition, I was never truly happy and I used to try to please others to make myself feel better. This never made me happy and there’s also a downside to trying to make other people happy, in that other people are never happy no matter what you do for them. Which ultimately did make me more unhappy.

** a shit ton is a measurement of un-quantifiable amounts of something.

Humber Bridge, Humber Estuary, Hull

The Humber Bridge

Hands up, I admit it. I love bridges and who wouldn’t love the longest suspension bridge in the UK. The Humber Bridge.

Once the longest bridge in the world the Humber Bridge is 2,220 m, that’s 7,280 ft; 1.38 mi in old money.

Opened on 21st June 1981  it was the longest bridge of its type until the opening of the Akashi Kaikyō Bridge, in Japan near, Kobe. The Humber Bridge is now ranked 11th in length and still has the 2nd longest span in the Western Hemisphere after the Akashi Kaikyo Bridge. 1,410 m (4,630 ft; 0.88 mi) for the Humber bridge and 1,991 metres (6,532 ft; 1.237 mi) for the Akashi Kaikyo bridge.

The towers on the Humber bridge are 35m further apart at the top than at the bottom, to take into account the curvature of the earth.

These photos were taken from the Barton upon Humber side of the Humber from Humber Bridge Park.

Location Map

Photo date: 14th July 2021

Photography copyright: Mikki Tiamo

Oil Rig Disassembly, Near Hartlepool

Oil Rig Disassembly

Okay I was blown away when I saw this Oil Rig Disassembly while driving the coast from from Middlesborough to Hartlepool.

These things are massive and as I was driving down the A178 towards Hartlepool I had a WTF moment and although I probably shouldnt have, stopped to have a look.

Felt like I was spying if I’m honest but took some photos anyway.

Would love to get closer and take some proper photos before their pulled apart fully.

Location Map

Photo date: 13th July 2021

Photography copyright: Mikki Tiamo

Angel of the North, 13th July 2021

Angel of the North, Near Gateshead

“When in the North East of England then you must visit the Angel of the North” I’m told, time and time again by friends and colleagues. So here we are at the Angel of the North.

This statue has been here since 1998 and its 20m in height and you honestly can’t miss it driving up the A1.

Look I’m not going to rewrite all the other pages on the Angel of the North to tell you about the place, so visit the Angel of the North Wikipedia page.

Heres my images from my visit on 13th July 2021.

If you’re going to visit then pay attention as its well signposted apart from the car park and it doesnt help that the bus lane distracts you as well.

Location Map

Photo date: 13th July 2021

Photography copyright: Mikki Tiamo

Middlesborough Transporter Bridge, 13th July 2021

Middlesborough Transporter Bridge from the North Shore

I was in Middlesborough on the 13th July and afterward, I went to look at somewhere I’ve wanted to see for a while, the Middlesborough Transporter Bridge at Port Clarence near Middlesborough. It’s an Auf Wiedersehen, Pet thing!

Sadly, the bridge is currently closed because apparently, it needs a tonne of cash spending on it.

Some might say because of neglect and others might say to bring it up to code but every day it’s shut its condition isn’t getting any better and it’s not earning anything when it’s closed.

The Middlesborough Transporter Bridge isn’t actually a bridge in the traditional sense and is a high-level bridge from which a gondola is suspended underneath at road level and this moves across the high-level structure on a series of wheels.

The gondola can carry cars and/or people.

But it’s closed so it’s carrying fuck all at the moment!

Sad to see this amazing structure laid idle. Sort it out!

The cafe on the North shore is good quality grub and well priced, they’ve also got outdoor seating so you can scoff yer chips while you admire the view.

Location Map

Photo date: 13th July 2021

Photography copyright: Mikki Tiamo

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