Month: September 2021

I am a little different, a poem by Mikki, age 50 and 11 months

I’m a little different,
it’s clear for all to see.

I’m a little different,
I just want to be me.

I’m a little different,
but I’m happy deep inside.

I’m a little different,
not sorry, I won’t hide.

I’m a little different,
most folk, care not one jot.

I’m a little different,
my friends, they love me lots.

I’m a little different,
not an idiot, don’t treat me so.

I’m a little different,
as a person I’m so, so, so, so.

I’m a little different,
some might say quite mad.

I’m a little different,
is that really that bad?

I’m a little different,
treat me badly and get told where to go!

I’m a little different,
About my life you’ll never know.

I’m a little different,
live as I want to be.

I’m a little different,
and so are you, in time you’ll see.

I’m a little different,
some make fun of that.

I’m a little different,
go do one, I’ll have none of that.

I’m a little different,
I dress as I see fit.

I’m a little different,
your opinions, don’t give a shit!

I’m a little different,
just want to be me.

I’m a little different,
like everyone, really should be!

 

Written by Mikki Tiamo, aged 50 and 11 months. 26/09

Street art of New Brighton, Wirral

I was in New Brighton today and instead of walking down the promenade or the beach, I decided to cut through the town centre and was massively surprised first of all by the street art of New Brighton on the buildings but also the quality of works.

The building in the town centre are all painted with various artworks and there are many good examples of street art down the side streets.

What made me really go wow was not the quantity of street art of New Brighton but the quality of the works there.

Some of the murals are absolutely amazing and I spent a good 30 minutes looking at the one of the Life Boat Guy. It’s bloody amazing.

If you’re down in New Brighton walk up from the Fort Perch car park onto Virginia Road or up to the town centre on to Victoria Road.

There’s plenty to see around this area and the easiest way to find things is to walk up past the Seaside Cafe onto Waterloo Road.

Below is a gallery of the Street art of New Brighton on the Wirral.

I let someone in and they broke my heart

Over the past few months I’ve really been struggling with my emotions, I let someone in and they broke my heart and it really put me in a tailspin. So much so that not only did I crash and burn but I struggled to get out of the wreckage alive.

About 2 months ago, I started getting feelings for someone who was very affectionate towards me, someone who I thought felt the same way about me. We’ve been friends for some time and their attitude towards me changed, showing me more affection, more touchy-feely, and lots more positive comments.

Turned out I was wrong and after they’d got what they wanted out of our friendship (or maybe didn’t get what they wanted), overnight just switched me off. I should have listened to my friends, a number who pulled me to one side and said “Something not right here” and “I dont like them”

Prior to this, I’d get messages all day long, and then all of a sudden, boom. Gone!

Phone calls initially rang out and then muted. Whatsapp and messenger blocked.

Why did I let someone in and then, why did they just walk out of my life without a second thought!

I let my guard down for 5 minutes and someone nipped in and made me feel special for 5 minutes but turns out it was only my lifestyle they wanted. By that I mean, night/weekends away, nice hotels, nice food, and free drinks.

I should have seen the signs when they never bought me anything, not even around or drinks, and gratitude was never shown, but that’s not the first time that’s happened to me!

Isn’t the first time but it will definitely be the last. From now on, Bitch with heart of stone!

My defenses are rebuilding, my defenses have been re-inforced and I won’t be letting anyone in again.

Lesson learned, no more tears, pick myself up and onwards and upwards!

If you read this, you will have to face me as the social circle we move in is very small and remember who’s the diva!

The People of Manchester Pride on Mental Health in the LGBTQ+ Community

I was asked at Manchester Pride by Fluxxt to give my opinions on some questions on mental health and mental health support in the LGBTQ+ community.

Heres a short film with the replies from myself and others.

6 months on Hormones

Today, the 5th of September is my 6 months on hormones anniversary. Where does the time go as it doesn’t seem like 5 minutes since I wrote about starting hormones!

So, whats happened in the past 6 months?

Well, let’s start with the mental changes first.

Mental Changes

I now cry at the drop of a hat, I was a bit of a cryer before and would cry when a character died in a film especially the animals but since starting hormones I only need my own thoughts and i’m off!

I am also more vocal when something bothers me and prior to starting Estrogen, I would bottle things up. Now after 6 months on Hormones, I don’t do that and will tell people if they have said something which has annoyed me or upset me. Straight out.

Physical Changes

These are much more noticeable than the mental changes and the physical changes have been somewhat as I was told before I started my transition by friends who are further down the line to me.

My body shape has started to change and my waist has got thinner while my hips have started to fill out. I know this because my size has changed and as I measure myself every month I can see this.

I’ve started to develop breasts now and this has been the most noticeable change as after 2 months my nipples occasionally hurt. Now they ache all the time and you can actually see I have the shape of breasts emerging. I am very happy about this and I’d be happy whatever shape they turn out.

For the first time, I have cleavage!

My skin is getting softer and the need to shave is reducing. I only shave my legs once a week and my facial hair is receding from my chin backward. This is helped by the facial waxing, which hurts really bad, but at Pride, I didn’t have to shave for 3 days which was a massive relief.

My testicles have reduced in size still further and I would now say they are 1/3 of the size they were when I started on this journey. Again this is something I like as I’ve never liked the bloody things! They don’t ache all the time now either!!!!

My sex drive is now almost completely zero (which makes the next few sentences seem ironic). I get the very occasional arousal but have no desire to do anything with it.

One thing I have really struggled with over the past few months is an attraction to men.

I’ve been down in the village quite a bit over the past few months and the last time I was there I was one of only 5 women in an environment with 150 men. I admit I found it a bit intimidating at first but then I got talking to people and I met a few men who I can see are nice men and I actually found myself flirting with them.

Even one of my friends told me, “Oh my God Mikki, where you chatting him up” and I had to think for a minute. I was! Apparently, though he has a boyfriend.

Honestly, my mind disappears to another place sometimes recently!

It’s not just a mental attraction either. I honestly wanted these guys to do things to me! Maybe it was the alcohol but I’m still attracted to one of them now!

Overall I am really happy with my 6 months on hormones and the progress I’ve made. I sometimes forget to take them though and when I was ill with Coronavirus and the Norovirus I really struggled to take them as I was really really ill. I’m also struggling to sleep if I take them before bedtime and have had to alter my application times. The nasal spray makes me sneeze and I can taste it for up to an hour if I’m laid down.

The next milestone is 12 months!

Your just a man in a dress

Actually, you have no idea what I’ve gone through as a trans person to get to this point in my life, so take your “Your just a man in a dress” comment, and stick it up your fucking arse!

I absolutely hate being called this, and to get to this point in my life you need to know what it’s taken both mentally and physically to get here because you obviously have no fucking idea what it means to be trans! No idea at all!

Let’s take the mental first!

As a child you are confused as you don’t feel right in the body you’re in and you tell your parents who either passively tell you, “You’re a boy and boys look like how you do” or aggressively tell you “You were born a boy and boys play this sport and wear this and behave like this!”.

Eventually, even though still confused, you ask less and less because the older you get the more aggressively the answer above is spoken to you, especially as I grew up in the 70’s/80’s.

As a young child you dress up with your female cousin’s but after a certain point, it’s frowned upon by your parents and family and so, you retreat into yourself and become a shell of a child. Someone who has no interest in male things as pursuing female things is really frowned upon the older you get!

Then imagine, if you will, waking up every day and looking at your body, which is usually just a glimpse because you can’t stand to look at yourself, and hating it. You catch a glimpse in the mirror and go urgh! but don’t know why.

School changing rooms really freaked me out and I hated sports days.

It’s not because your fat, hairy, muscly or hundreds of other reasons because truly you know the reason but it’s hidden in there. You’ve repressed it, firstly for your own psyche, secondly by society, and thirdly because you’ve been told “this” is what you are!

You know deep down you’re not a man, you know you want to be a woman but you repress this because society has beat you into a shell of a human being.

You reach puberty and to please others you have a vain hope that puberty will “fix you”, but you the older you get the more you overcompensate because you’re told you’re a man.

You do crazy stuff to prove this. You fight, learn martial arts, play stupid sports (even though you hate them), you get in trouble with the law, you build your body up, you bed women, etc…. But none of this makes you happy!

You crossdress because there’s a desire there to do this. You want to look feminine. It feels good when you look in the mirror but you are now confused as society deems you a man and your now a “man in a dress” or “Tranny“, a phrase I don’t think anyone likes. I dont even think Transit Vans like being called this!

So, you end up get depressed, really depressed and you know why but pretend to those close to you, that you don’t know why!

Your parents always rationalise this with “it’s just a phase” but it’s not! It’s there all the time and it gets really bloody hard to repress this the longer it goes on!

You over compensate more and more as you get older, I raced motorbikes, rock climbed, cliff jumped, free dove, walked on my own for weeks at a time. I even found love and married, tried for a family but still I crossdressed and was still unhappy!

You get to a point where you can’t talk to anyone about this, how do you start this conversation?

You seek help but the medical profession you approach offer no help other than pills and potions or they put you on a waiting list so long by the time you get to see someone you’ve either done something stupid, have self medicated to the point where you either close to addiction, have damaged yourself or have a habit!

The NHS mental services really are piss poor from my experience and depression is looked at as a dirty word!

You end up sad and alone because you’ve reached the point where you know what’s wrong but now believe the rhetoric that you’re a man but would rather be alone or dead!

You agonise over the notion you are gay but you know you can’t possibly be as the idea of looking at other men is as abhorrent as looking at your own body, and your brain reminds you of those school sports hall dressing rooms 🤮

You seek psychiatric help privately which gives you a place to vent and helps get the thoughts out of your head and after much talking and a referral, you reach a point where your psychotherapist says, “I have a diagnosis for you. You’re are transgender”

You thank the therapist and take this diagnosis away. You then sit there looking at it, reading it over and over again. Not just for hours or days but for weeks, months, and in some people I’ve spoken to, this is years.

You look at this diagnosis, you study about what this means, medical and societally, and absorb the information before you finally admit to yourself, “Yes this is me! This is what I am like!”

The information presented to you in books, the internet, and support groups is bewildering and it’s difficult to make sense of it all and it takes time for your mind to digest all this information.

Being ultimately honest with yourself was like being shocked with 10,000,000 volts and it’s changed me as a person. I’m honest with everyone now even if what I sometimes say is not sunshine and lollipops.

You know some people think that I just rushed out and bought a new wardrobe full of nice dresses, tonnes of makeup and changed my name overnight! It’s taken me two years and I’ve only just started.

I’m evolving as each day goes by and I’m not the same person I was at the start of my transition.

Now, even after two years of transition and 2 years of therapy, there’s been years of heartache, years of sitting, pondering, crying (and I mean lots of crying), and lots of thinking. So much thinking it’s kept me awake for days!

The years go by and you find yourself evolving into a woman, mentally and physically, and your friends and family are accepting.

However, out in the real world, I occasionally get the “you’re a man in a dress comment” and this is voiced by someone who usually falls into two categories.

Young men or late middle-aged women.

That’s it! Never had the “your just a man in a dress” comment off any other age group.

Don’t give me that negative BS unless you understand what I’ve been through!

I haven’t even started on the physical things I’ve had to go through!

I’m on hormones now and the hormones I take are changing my body but imagine going through puberty at 50 years old, but that a topic for another blog post!

My doctors defense network!

My doctors have decided they now have another line of defence against their patients in the “Doctors Defense Network”.

“Ring, Ring”

Firstly, a prerecorded message is about Coronabollocks and takes 40 seconds.

Queue the second pre-recorded message which is over 1 minute 10 long and tells you the procedure but not why.

Next, is the options for who to speak to which as far as I can tell all seem to go through to the same people on reception. Press 1 to book an appointment, press 2 to speak to reception by pressing another number, press 3 and speak to reception after a long wait, press 4 to listen to a different ring tone for a short period and then be transferred to reception, and press 5 for anything else as long as its speak to reception.

So, you’ve navigated all the prerecorded messages and sat on hold so long you now need a haircut, and it’s time to do battle with the receptionist. ⚔️

These people who with their fully armed arsenal of medical training, ie: fuck all, get to decide if you are worthy and do actually need an appointment.

By the way, this is not to speak to a Doctor but to speak to a “Care Navigator”
(What the F is a Care Navigator? Why do we need one? We all know this is a bullshit name for a made-up job! Do these Care Navigators have any medical training? First Aid course maybe? Who knows!)

Again, if the Care Navigator says, “You are worthy” they will then make an appointment for you to speak to a Doctor.

All this is over the phone of course!

We don’t want you to come down to our surgery with your bugs, germs, and diseases.

(I still want to know how they listen to your chest or do a blood pressure test over the phone? and they’re going to need a good aim to take blood over the phone!)

 

Does anyone have any recommendations for a decent Doctors Surgery or are they all like this?

PS I am aware that someone, somewhere, in a place far far away is justifying this but it’s so annoying when you need to speak to your Doctor about your prescribed medicine, and each time you have to jump through these hoops!

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