Month: August 2022

Not having a dog affords me freedom

As much as I miss chante, and I really do. Not having a dog affords me freedom.

After 17 years of dog ownership I am free to do what the hell I want, when the hell I want to.

I’ve been tied to my dog for a long time and this has been especially hard with an elderly dog who has separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety that was so bad that the last time I left her alone for an appreciable amount of time I came home to find she had pushed open the bedroom window and was stood partly outside on the window sill outside barking her head off.

Apparently, she had been like this for over four hours according to my neighbours.

Organising work schedules and a night out was difficult as I had no spontinaty and had to plan ahead, booking dog sitters or arranging friends or family to look after her. Something which both ate money and favours.

If you are thinking, why didn’t you just leave her and go out?

Well I did, on several occasions, but she would bark continually and I had complaints from my neighbours. She was also damaging the house as she would scratch the doors in the house and leave little doggy surprises all over the house, especially more as she got older.

This would make me feel very guilty!

While I’m not happy my dog has died I am happy that I don’t have to worry about her or stress about getting someone to look after her anymore.

I am free to do as I choose, I am free to disappear at the drop of a hat, I am free to have a life!

An emotional evening

Tonight, Friday 12th August, has been an emotional night for me as tonight is the first time I’ve been down to the village in Manchester since Chante, my dog, died.

Since I’ve been going to the gay village in Manchester I’ve taken Chante with me and it would seem she became somewhat of a canine celebrity amongst the customers, bar staff and door staff in the village.

Last night I was very overwhelming that so many people came over to me to give me a hug and pass on their condolences as I went from bar to bar.

Lots of my Facebook friends who already knew about Chantes demise came over to give me a hug and offer their condolences.

There were also quite a few folk I know who did enquire, “where’s Chante” and I had to tell them the bad news. One of the bar staff even started crying when I told her!

I met a few people last night I’ve chatted to before and one girl called, Sarah, had a little cry as well as in the past she has sat stroking Chante as we’ve chatted.

I had a fab night last night and seeing all those people made me realise how well thought of my dog and I are.

Got to love the gay village!

Writing things down helps clear your mind

Writing things down helps clear your mind. Well it does for me!

I’m no mental health expert, some might say mental, but over the years I have been to see several mental health professionals and all of them have told me that that writing therapy, also known as journal therapy, is a great way to self help as writing things down will help you not only  clear your mind but it also helps you deal with emotions, (good or bad), it can help you organise your thoughts and can help you with your goals and ambitions in life.

Our brains get cluttered over time, with all the information we process on a daily basis, whether they be through day to day life or from trauma and stress.

Sometimes its good to get some of that information out of your brain and writing down your issues, troubles or problems can help clear those thoughts out and will then help you prioritise and focus on your life. The same way that writing things down at work helps you both remember and prioritise your workload.

This can be especially helpful when faced with stress, anger and/or issues we can’t or don’t want to deal with such as the end of a relationship or emotional/physical abuse.

This can help our brains to try to understand or gain a thought process to remove these issues from our conscious memory. Generally when we try to make sense of things in our heads they go round and round, imagine a juggler, with ever increasing number of balls and the frequency and ferocity of movement required to maintain those balls being juggled. The more balls the harder it is to juggle them!

This over time can cause further issues as not dealing with the subject of our emotions, such as anger and stress, means that as time goes by the number of issues we are asking our brain to process can increase if we don’t deal with the previous and existing issues or imagine  previous issues we had suppressed suddenly rear up and drag us back to that mental state again. This could be such things as a death or the end of a relationship.

If we write down our thoughts, write about our problems, our anger and stress, it can help us prioritise our goals and intentions on what we intend to do about the issues we have written down!

To really be able to deal with our issues, then prioritising is important as things may need to be done in specific orders to reach a satisfactory goal.

Prioritise and then act.

Even if we just need to vent then the very act of writing this down can help us calm our minds. This in my experience is especially helpful when anger and negative emotions are involved as the very act of writing these thoughts down is by far the best was to make sense of them.

Sometimes we may not intend to do anything with these issues but by writing them down we are effectively helping to remove that thought or issue from our brains even if this is a temporary action.

Although it may remain or return once written down, we can file, share are on dispose of those thoughts or even react, reread or rewrite these thoughts to make further sense of them.

One of the many things you could do with your negative thoughts is to burn them and I’ve heard this called Burn Therapy several times. Writing down your negative thoughts and then ceremonially burning them help release your negative thoughts.

I don’t know if this works, but spiritually, it seems like a good idea.

Refinement is also a great way of dealing with issues in the long term and this is what I do.

I narrate my thoughts verbally and use my technology to convert these words into text, such as Siri, Microsoft Word or my favorite Google Keyboard. You speak, and it turns those words into text on your device.

Especially useful if you get verbal diarrhea and need to get things out of your head quickly.

So, what do you do once you’ve written this stuff down?

Some people, myself included, may share their writings in the form of internet blogs or post on self help forums. If just one of my rantings helps just one person, then it was worth writing down.

Some people also find it helpful to destroy the thoughts by burning them as mentioned above.

One of the most important reasons for writing down your problems or thoughts is they will either help you to stay motivated in dealing with these problems or for you to realise that these problems are trivial and should be discarded because of its triviality.

I know this can be hard if you’re dealing with an emotional problem but when you see something in black and white it may make you realise that this is a trivial issue and it’s really not that important and you shouldn’t stop giving this thing your valuable time and energy.

I know it can be difficult to write down emotional items especially when they make you feel sad or angry, such as the death of a loved one or breakup of a realtionship, but part of the process of dealing with these emotions is that once they are written down it can help rationalise these issues and focus on what to do with these issues.

Yes, it may be that once you have writing them down it causes you to relive that moment of your life but it can also help to release that anger or sadness and better make sense of it. Refining the detail of that moment of trauma, pain, sadness or anger can help to release the constant mulling over that we all do in our brains.

To be devoid of this constant reliving makes us cold and inhumane and although some of us do this, it is normal for most people to relive these thoughts in their heads over and over again. Writing these down can help with this process and help heal our minds from stress, anger and trauma.

Writing things down helps out brains processes things and carrying all this information around in your brain and constantly processing it it is not good for your well-being or mental wellness.

By writing things down you can process your problems or thoughts and choose to deal with, delegate or just ignore them!

Although writing can be hard especially if the subject you are writing about deals with trauma, anger or abuse but the physical active writing can help in the removal of the storm from your mind.

Some may also question the time it takes to write this information down, as time is a precious commodity and do we need to spend time in getting thoughts out of her head?

But…. What price can you put on your own mental wellbeing?

Personally, I would say it is an immense benefit and over the long term will help heal your well-being.
As you may have thoughts daily and writing these down may change them from a daily occurrence to a weekly monthly or occasional occurrence.

However, if you are not thinking about them in the long term then surely the mental well-being benefits outweigh any time taken to write these down.

I hope this is helpful to somebody as I know writing my thoughts down over the years have been immensely helpful to me.

Write me your thoughts on the matter.

Doctors have agreed to do my Blood Tests

Yes, folks after all the issues i’ve had in the past 2 and half years my doctors have agreed to do my blood tests!

I was absolutely flabbergasted this week when I received a text message from my doctors to say “Please call in and collect a blood test form” and at first I thought it was for another ailment i’ve been treated for recently, liver function, but imagine my surprise when I collected the blood test form and it said “Testosterone” and “Estriogen”.

After all the general negativity and heart ache i’ve had off my doctors for the past 2 and a half years, of then saying they’d help and then retracting this offer to the general negative experience of dealing with them.

They still keep calling me by my dead name but hopefully I can get this sorted out in the next few weeks.

While I am not unhappy about this decision, I am really confused as to why after two-and-a-half years there has been a very sudden change of mind by the doctors surgery.

For the past 2 years the doctors surgery have vehemently been apposed to helping me in my transition and have constantly said they would not help until I had seen the gender clinic doctors.

As I’ve written before one of the doctors at the practise actually lied about the clinic that I was using for my prescription drugs and when I called her out on this again the vitriol started.

Now I know the owners of gender GP were under review by the General Medical Council but this case has now finished and the outcome was that Helen Webberley, one of the directors of gender GP, has been reinstated after serving a short suspension.

Maybe this is the reason why my doctors are now willing to help but nobody seems to know the reason despite asking the GP surgery several times!

Oh well, onwards and upwards.

Without makeup

I’ve been shopping this morning without makeup, this is a big thing!

This is the first time in over 2 and a half years that i’ve stepped out of the house without makeup, which believe me is a bold step.

In the past two and a half years, I think only half a dozen people have seen me sans makeup and they’ve all been friends or lovers!

I felt so self conscious though and I don’t think I’ve walked round Tesco so quickly!

Need to work on my confidence though as I think my dysphoria gave me a jolly good kicking today and by the time I got back to my car I was freaking out a bit!

After numerous sessions of laser hair removal and skin treatments I still get dysphoric over my facial features but took a brave step today as well, honestly I couldn’t be arsed 🤣

I’m not your sexual fetish

This messenger thing is really getting thin, now to me.
I’m not your sexual fetish, and never will be.

Male or female they both message me, on Facebook and Instagram,
messages sent to really annoying me.

Sending me messages, as rude as fuck.
Things they like to see, or can I just take a look?

I’m not your fetish, I’m really not,
my private parts, no photos for you, have I got!

If I had, do you think I’d share them with sexual deviants, like you?
Not a chance you wierdo! Really f you!

So, no I won’t show you my tits or my other bits.
You’ve got no chance, your request make you sound like ignorant shits!

Fuck right off, you freak me out.
These persistent messages, like Lou Lou, they make me want to shout.

I know that I’m pretty, I work hard at it.
But all you want are pics of my intimate bits!

I’m more than a fetish, but no, not to you,
so how would you feel if I’d messaged, the same things to you?

And if not to you, then maybe your sis.
Yeah, then maybe you’d see how idiotic this is.

Be nice in your message you insolent prick,
you’re block, ignored, and reported because of your shit.

I’m not your sexual fetish,
I’m a human being and more than you’ll ever know.

But to you, you wierdo,
a sexual fetish is all I’ll ever be.

Don’t message me freak show.
So, bye bye, caio, see ya, arrivederci!

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