Month: November 2022

Am I mental for saying this?

I’ve asked myself this a lot over the past few weeks and I’m still not sure that am I mental?

I told one of my friends that I didn’t just love her but I was falling in love with her, which I am, was, am, argh! Yes! OMG!!

When I’m around her I feel a massive sense of elation, well being, and love for this person and when I leave her I felt the need to be back with her and a general sense of foreboding, of anxiety the longer I wasn’t with her. I’ve not felt like this with anyone for a very long time!

I told her because I believe in being honest with people but I also told her because I wanted to let her know how I felt.

I knew for damn sure she didn’t feel the same way but I told her anyway.

Was that selfish?

I don’t think so as I believe in being honest!

Now I feel like I might have lost a friend through my own selfless thoughts.

I said what I said and I live with my decision.

But I’m asking myself, “Am I mental for doing this?”

I’m still trying to work this out in my head!

Misgendered by a friend

One of the problems with being trans is being misgendered. I get it now and again and if you go down the transitioning road so will you!

Irrespective of which way you transition, male to female or a female to male transgender, people will either misrepresent your pronouns or use them against you.

Whether they do this accidentally or maliciously is for you to decide.

Let’s take a day last week and someone I’ve known for years is talking to me.

They’ve seen me transition from day one and they call me “he”.

I corrected them straight away and low and behold they do it again and again and again.

It annoyed me so much that I walked away from them and haven’t spoken to them since.

I am pretty sure they were doing this to impress the others in the room and assert themselves or they did it to piss me off.

The latter was accomplished.

I don’t get misgendered very often but if people do it now I just walk away from those people and don’t engage with them anymore.

The last thing I expected though was to be misgendered by a friend!

Dysphoria day

Last night I got absolutely trashed and today I have a hang over I just can’t look at myself in the mirror again! It’s going to be a dysphoria day.

I’m looking really bad this morning as I’m sure I cried myself to sleep again last night.

I have puffy eyes and their bright red. The pile of tissues beside my bed would be a massive indicator of weeping before bedtime.

I think I need to go get help!


When I awoke and looked in the mirror
The picture is see, makes me shiver
Blood shot eyes, with bags underneath
I turn away, don’t want to see
As the picture I view, this morn isn’t me
Full up the sink, and stare at this face
Not loving this look, look past in to space
Plunge my face in the water, hold for while
A few more times, the feel of the water makes me smile
Look in the mirror, what can I see
Something that slowly resembles, the real me
I clean and I scrub, off remnants from last night
The alcohol in my system, makes me feel shite
Again I plunge myself, face first in the sink
Feeling awake now, beginning to think
Dry my face and pull out the plug
Look at myself, give my face a bloody good rub
Time to get ready, and put on some slap
Lift up my makeup bag, think I need to downsize
If it gets any bigger, I need to lift with my thighs!
Open it up and pull out my things
Foundation, powers, and beautiful tings
Apply my makeup, looking more like me
Just polish the edges, now like what I see
Foundation, eye liner, lippy and blush
Make me feel better, less of a mush
Admire in the mirror, now like what I see
Still the same person, better version of me
Ready to face the world, now I am
Dysphoria day, do one, I am who I am

Alice’s Story – RIP Alice Litman

I don’t often post text from other sites on the internet, but this story has touched me so much. The story of Alice Litman.

Read the story, and this is some reminiscent of many Trans people in the UK.

Taken from the Instagram account of @lovesuzifox

My synopsis is at the bottom of the page along with support help and groups.


Trigger warning.

If you are struggling with your mental health then please stop here. Otherwise, please read on.

On Sunday at a Trans Day of Remembrance vigil in London I stood listening to people who’d lost loved ones because of transphobia talk about their amazing friends or family members. All the stories were hard to hear, but one in particular hit home for me.

It was told by Kate Litman, a cisgendered woman, about her sister Alice, a 20-year-old trans woman from Brighton. On May 26th this year she took her own life because she couldn’t face the future as a trans person in Britain. I’ve put the transcript of Kate’s words up as slides. I implore you to read them.

To many, Trans Day of Remembrance is just a date they hear about with no meaning. It’s easy to walk on and continue with your lives. For the people who have lost loved ones this isn’t possible.

I want you to read the story so you can see a real family that transphobia has affected. Someone who laughed, loved and danced. But who still couldn’t face the life trans people have to face.

I’m doing this because I’m not prepared to let another family, or group of friends stand up and tell us through their tears how much they miss someone amazing. How life will never be the same. Just because right-wing bigotry, religious intolerance or government culture wars make life unbearable.

And I’m bored of hearing people say how this shouldn’t be happening. How people should just let trans people be themselves. How we should be free to live our lives.

‘Should’ is a word I hear a lot. Should changes nothing.

The trans community needs more than ‘should’. We need action. We need our allies to be vocal in your support. Shut down friends who spread lies about us. Write to your MP urging them to support better trans healthcare. Learn about trans issues or donate to charities supporting trans lives.

Start by donating to the charities chosen by Alice’s family. The link to them is in my linktr.ee link in my bio.

I’d like to say I’m sorry if this post was uncomfortable for you. But I’m not sorry. You should be angry. You should want to stop it happening. And you should be asking what more can I do.

Why post this?

May trans people will read this and it will either ring true to their own experience or they will have some element of this story in their own journey. There are some elements of Alice’s story with my own, with social and medical services slow to react or provide poor services if at all.

I, from experience have Trans friends who have killed themselves and have thought about it myself on occasions.

This is why I also attend the Trans day of Remembrance and have done for many year. First to remember those but to show solidarity with other trans people experiencing the same issues as myself.

Alice’s story is incredibly sad and my heart goes out to her friends and family. Truly it does!

I hope that this page helps prevent even one more Trans person from committing suicide and I would rather talk to someone desperate or in need of help than read about their demise in the near future.

Help!

The following websites are here to help and offer support services for transgender people.

Mindland Trans (UK)

Trans Unite (UK)

LGBT Foundation (UK)

Trans Lifeline (USA)

The Trevor Project (USA)

The Tribe (Worldwide)

Please feel free to email me to inform me of other sites who provide help for Trans people.

Trans-Remembrance Day 2022 in Sackville gardens, Manchester

Well, it’s November the 20th and that means it’s Trans-Remembrance Day and I’m down in the gay village in Manchester at Sackville gardens for the annual Trans remembrance vigil which marks the end of Trans Awareness Week.

To date in 2022, there have been 331 reported killings of trans people worldwide. We need to remember these people.

In the UK, this includes the murder of Amy Griffiths, a 51 year old trans woman, in Droitwitch, Worcestershire, in January 2022.

Violence against trans people is sometimes driven by toxic ideals of masculinity founded on homophobia and biphobia.

On Trans Day of Remembrance, we need to reflect on how we can work together to end gender-based violence, harassment and discrimination in all their forms.

The vigil has been organised now for many years by the Sparkle charity and this year was no exception.

The event started 5:15pm in Sackville Street gardens in Manchester, by the now-damaged National Transgender Memorial, with organisers laying out lighting, amplification equipment, and several pop-up gazebo tents. Shelter for the anticipated rain.

There was around 100 people there this year and no doubt either uniformed about the event or put off because of the rain and cold.

To start there were some readings but alas those of us who stood more than 20 feet from the speakers struggled to hear anything due to low levels of amplification plus the noise of the generator powering said equipment providing low levels of amplification.

I can’t tell you who spoke other than John Desmond Hamilton, who spoke on behalf of the Gay Village bar owner’s association, and the Actress Annie Wallace who plays a part in a TV show called, Holyoak’s, but is also a prominent Trans rights Activist.

It did rain several times; however, this is Manchester, and many came prepared with umbrellas.

The rain did hold off long enough for the reading of the names of those who have died this year. We all stood with our candles as a mark of respect to those who have died this year just because they were being themselves.

Most of these people were murdered in their own countries!

What did shock me this year was the number of trans people murdered in the USA compared to last year.

As with previous years events, this was a respectful and somber event, marking respect for the Trans community organised by the trans community. Hello to those I met this evening, Louise and Julia, and to those I’ve met before.

I am going to say this year’s event was very poorly attended, especially when compared with last years event, because in my humble opinion, it was poorly advertised and there wasn’t even any information on the Sparkle website and the information on the Sparkle Twitter page only appeared on the 17th November which in my opinion is very short notice for lots of people.

Everything went without trouble, however at the start the police were present and there was someone present who was asked to leave. Those who know this man will know he has caused trouble at past Trans rallies in Manchester and is allied to the Conservatives. I won’t give him the satisfaction of mentioning his name, but he was asked to leave by the police.

A very somber event but one I will continue to attend as long as Trans people are being murdered for being themselves.

Mikki Tiamo.

Links

Violence, Abuse and killing of Trans people are on the increase worldwide, here are a few links I’ve managed to dig out:

An Epidemic of Violence 2022
Fatal Violence Against Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming People in the United States in 2022

On Transgender Day of Remembrance, LGBTQ community honors at least 32 trans people killed in 2022 (USA Today)

Transgender Hate

Transphobic hate crime data from September 2001 to February 2022 (Met Police)

Fatal Violence Against the Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming Community in 2022

Being Alone

If you’re going to go down the road and embrace your transition, then you’d better get used to being alone.

First of all, I’m not talking about being on your own socially.

I’m talking about being on your own romantically.

I’m not short of sexual contact but what I am short of is a long-term relationship and there’s several reasons why! Let me try to explain.

First off let me say that being on your own affords YOU the opportunity to just get on with it, get on with your transition I mean.

You’re not being hindered nor are you pandering to someone else or someone else’s agenda.

Secondly being alone will help you to discover more about yourself because of the above.

A Lonely Place

However, being alone is a lonely place to be, and if you do find someone you had better make damn sure they accept you for what you are or, if you already have someone, again make damn sure they accept you for what you are now and are going to be in the future. Otherwise, one of you is going to be very unhappy in the future!

Even if they say they love you now, will they love you as your body changes and mental state changes?

By that I mean they want to be with you for you and not try to change you into something else or something they want you to be?

Also, you need to make damn sure that they don’t want or try to stop you from transitioning for their own needs.

And that’s not selfish, that’s just you doing what’s best for you, but if you want to stop or hold your transition because of this person be sure you’re happy to do that and won’t regret this in the future. If you’re in two minds about your transition because you are worried about how it will affect someone else, then you need to question your need to transition in the first place.

I have experience of people wanting to be with me as a trans person because they thought I was something else or wanted me to be something else for them. I’ve even been called a novelty by past girlfriends.

I also know plenty of trans people who have had experiences of this as well!

If you find someone who is willing to be with you because they see the beautiful person underneath, then grab them with both hands and hold on to them as if they were the most precious thing you’d ever held in your life.

Over the past few years, I’ve found quite a few people who are fascinated by trans people, be they trans women or trans men, but purely on a social scale and as soon as things get even remotely serious then they’d back off and you’d be friend zoned or even worse, rejected completely!

Again, this is not uncommon!

Honestly, I’ve found it’s best to remain emotionally detached and stay friends for a long time before even contemplating a relationship.

It might seem my opinion is jaded but I find that when people have shown interest in me in the past it’s purely for their own self-satisfaction, self-gratification, or their own curiosity because you are different.

However, this difference will drive a wedge between you in the long term for exactly that reason.

You are different!

Being trans is a lonely place romantically. If casual sex is gratifying enough then you’ll be fine, but this girl needs to curl up with someone and hold them, or be held in their arms.

Doctors again, again!

Yes, again I’m compelled to write about my doctor’s. and yes, I’m getting really fucked off with the shit service!

I feel like I’m belly aching for belly aching’s sake but after last week I thought they’d sorted out my name change. Alas, no!

I’d booked an appointment last week, after last weeks fiasco, I thought with a doctor. Nope, on arrival the receptionist says “oh, you’re with the practice nurse”.

My heart sank as I was hoping to have a chat with an actual doctor as the last time, I spoke to one in person was in July 2019!

I sit in the waiting room for the nurse with one other patient and the nurse comes out and shouts for me by my old name. My heart sank and I felt really angry as that point as I was told this was sorted last week. Nope!

She disappears and comes back a few minutes later and looks at me and says “Mikki” I answer, yes and we go into the nurses office.

I’m asked “Why didn’t you answer”

Well nursey, its not my fucking name anymore and I think you’d be pissed off if you’d got married and changed your name but over 2 years later your fucking doctors hadn’t changed your bastard name!

“Would you like to speak to the practice manager?”

Why will she sort this out? Okay lets see what she can do.

The nurse then does blood pressure at this time and its sky high. “Oh, that’s a bit high”

No fucking shit sherlock! Do you not think I’m a bit angry right now.

I end up speaking to the practice manager and after a lot of messing about with emails they manage to receive another copy of my Deedpoll and now apparently, (Although I am not 100% certain this has happened), my doctors have finally changed my name on their records.

Incidentally, after an hour of dealing with all this I have my blood pressure done again and its slightly higher than normal!

Watch this space for the next thrilling episode of “My Doctors and my name change”

Next job is to Apply for my Gender Recognition Certificate which also requires my doctors involvement 🙁

A time for Remembrance and Reflection – Sunday 20th Nov in Sackville gardens, Manchester

A TIME FOR REMEMBRANCE AND REFLECTION

Come along to this if you’re Trans or a Trans Ally and join in. I will be trying my hardest to get back to Manchester on Sunday for this.


Sunday 20th November
17:15 onwards, Sackville Gardens, Sackville Street, Manchester M1 3WA

Join Sparkle – The National Transgender Charity and representatives from Greater Manchester’s 10 Boroughs as we use this occasion to recognize the victims of transphobic violence throughout the world, and reflect on past events that have taken place around the National Trans Memorial, an important symbol of struggle and hope for trans and gender diverse communities throughout the UK.

The first and only monument of its kind in the UK, this will be the final opportunity for everyone to connect with the current National Trans Memorial before it is sadly removed. “You were known to us”

THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL EVENT, SO WE POLITELY ASK THAT POLITICALLY AFFILIATED GROUPS, SUCH AS THE SOCIALIST WORKERS PARTY, REFRAIN FROM ATTENDING THIS EVENT. INDIVIDUALS ARE WELCOME ATTEND IN A PERSONAL CAPACITY.

Map of Location

Affecting my mental happinesss

You know whether I can’t deal with listening to other people’s problems anymore, its affecting my mental happiness!

I’m a very caring person but I am absolutely pig sick of people using me as a dumping ground for their problems especially when as soon as they arrive they disappear!

It has to stop as its effecting me mentally as people come along and I form some kind of attachment to them and they use me to download all their mental problems and then leave or at the very least go about their merry little lives.

After this year and meeting quite a few new people I’ve realised I need to look after my own mental health more than anyone elses.

I have to put my emotional receptors in a metaphorical safe zone from now on because I can’t be the person I was anymore. I just cant!

Its actually affecting my mental state listening to everyone elses problems especially when it’s a one way street.

“Heres my problems, but I don’t particularly want to talk to you other than to give you my problems, pain and anguish!”

Just can’t deal with other people’s unhappiness and pain anymore! I’ve got enough of my own at the moment!

Am I going mad or is it separation anxiety

I can’t deal with this anymore, my mental process is well and truly screwed up. Am I going mad or is it separation anxiety?

I sit with some people for just a few hours and it feels like I’ve been sat with them for all my life and then when we separate I get massive bouts of anxiety, depression and sadness that I’m not with them!

It’s like I’m grieving for them every time we part, it’s either that or I’m turning into a love sick puppy and I’ve got separation anxiety!

What the actual fuck is going on in my brain that I’m thinking like that?

The feeling I have makes me think before I’m with them each time now. Am I going to feel like this again and do I want to see them again?

Talk about an oxymoron!

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