At Manchester Pride 2019 I had my born again experience and I wanted to write about it as it’s fundamentally changed my life. First this was for the worst and secondly for the better.
Let me explain what happened and then why it changed my life and how it has fundentally changed me as a person as well.
Prior to pride I had a few experiences which led me down the road I am now on. These did involve, firstly me dressing in woman’s underwear on a few occasions and secondly, meeting some new friends who were very open minded about sex, their sexuality and talking about sex. Something, us British are shit at talking about. Believe me when I say we’ve talked over the past few months. Really talked.
I’ve written before at length about my surpression of dressing up and how I was made to feel ashamed of doing this in the past but it’s something I can’t suppress any longer and I will not be made to feel ashamed in anyway shape or form. I’ll tell people to piss off before I let them belittle or shame me.
I look at my life that at the very least I am an effeminate man or a crossdresser but I’d say I am something more as I don’t only want to dress as a woman occasionally. Nor is this a sexual thing, some kind of sexual perversion. I actually want to dress full-time as a woman. I’d be quite happy and on numerous occasions I have walked round my local supermarkets and town centre before or after big nights out. I’ve even been to lunch with one of my clients in Alderney Edge and Nantwich. She loves going out with Mikki.
If I am working and can’t be Mikki then as soon as I am home it’s showered, shaved, make up on, dress on. Otherwise I am Mikki all the time.
Telling my friends was so hard at first as I didnt know what to expect. After not speaking about being Mikki and thinking about the coming out situation and admitting to myself that I can’t lie about being Mikki. I told my friends who have melted my heart with their support, understanding and most of all encouragement.
I absolutely love my life friends, Nay, I adore them and yes I do tell them I love them eveytime we say “see you soon”. These are the people I would trust my life to, and on one or two occasions I have done when things haven’t gone right in my life.
One or two of them have said “What took you so long?” or “We were wondering what the change was about” but most of them have said one of the following.
“I love you because I love to be with you”, “Your sexuality is no concern of mine”, “Irrespective of what you’re wearing, if your wearing a dress or trousers then your still my friend”. Everyone has said how much happier I am in the past few months since I admitted to myself “This is who I am”.
And I am so much happier. I’m not carrying round this confusion about who I am and why am I having those thoughts!
- Is there something wrong with me?
- Why do I feel like that?
- Why does that appeal to me so much that I would like to wear it?
In past relationships I have watched my partner’s dress or spent much longer looking at them than sometimes its “weird”.
I wasn’t thinking “phwoar” or some other sexual thoughts, okay maybe, I did that as well. I am looking at these lovely ladies and watching them brush their hair, put their makeup on, pull a pair of stockings up, button up their blouse, apply mascara or event just putting on a pair of shoes. I would look at them and think, how does she do that so quickly? No, how does she do that? Wow, look at that! I want to look like that.
I’ve seen my partner’s dresses up and thought how I’d like to wear what they are and feel what they must feel like. After Manchester Pride and the reaction I got at Pride, I felt about 10 foot tall.
I, and I know I’ve said “I” a lot recently but, yes I am really happy about finding myself, sure I am also quite sad that I went about finding myself in the way I did but if it hadn’t have happened as it did would I be as happy and in the same place I am now? Or would I still be surpressing my desires?
Some may say, your desires should remain just that, desires. Bollocks, desire is what makes us strive and move forward in life does it not? If you have no desire how do you function in life? Ooooh, maybe that a discussion I need to have with my Psychotherapist?!
I am firstly happy to have found me, not just my feminine side, but also my honest side where I’ve said, be honest with you. Be honest with what you want. Be honest to your loved ones. Be honest about what you want in your life.
One knows that slapping on make up and putting on a pair of heals a woman does not make but the journey I embark on is some 49 years in the making and everyday is a school day.