Really struggling at the moment with my mental health and yesterday I was very shouty towards my housemate for which I’ve apologised but this lockdown is freaking me the fuck out on a whole new level.
As the owner of a small business I’m fucked, not metaphorically, actually. The UK government has offered no support for small business owners who actually own a limited company. Staff I’ve furloughed but me personally I get zero help from the government.
I can’t apply for benefits and the grant scheme is basically a loan and you can’t get any money from this yet!
Plus on top of this despite being owned over £25,000 my customers have furloughed their staff and no buggee is paying invoices!
Financially, I’m fucked as I’ve got zero money coming in and lots of money going out. I mean do I stop paying my suppliers?
On a personal note I haven’t seen my family, and I include my best friends in this category, since early March and although I’ve spoke to them all on the phone it’s not the same. Having a hug off the people who you care most about is what I need right now.
I haven’t seen my mother now since my dad’s funeral which was 7 weeks ago.
Because of this she’s ringing me 2 or 3 times a day and then she just endlessly and repetitively complains about the situation and I must admit I’ve lost my rag and had to tell her it’s too much for me to handle at the moment. I’ve even cut her off on more than one occasion when she’s been really bad.
Love the old lady but dealing with her grief after dad’s death has been hard especially whe I’m dealing with my own.
My dad’s death hit me pretty hard as I was already down following a friend’s death two weeks before my dad’s. My family had already been dealing with the diagnosis a week before that dad had terminal lung and brain cancer.
And a few weeks ago I lost a close friend suddenly. He’d fallen in his home at night! He was 87. This has been a real shock to the system. I couldn’t even pay my respects or attend the funeral because of cornavirus. I have been to his grave and all the emotions of the last few months completely floored me and I cried and cried and cried.
Next, my ex.
As she’s lonely in lockdown she keeps messaging me.
I miss you Mikki
I want you Mikki,
I love you Mikki,
Please come see me,
Etc…..
We were only together for a few months and she dumping me for someone else who inturn dumped her. I don’t want to speak to her let alone be in isolation with her.
I sure know how to pick them or maybe it’s me who’s mad?
Funny now she’s single she wants me back!
Which brings me back to my housemate who since lockdown is struggling with her business and is in the same situation as I am. Due to the nature of her business she’s had to close completely. Where as, I’m still doing bits. Like me she’s had zero government help!
At the moment she is driving me up the wall because she’s home all the time. She’s turned into a right scruffy bitch and her untidyness doesn’t go well with my OCD so I’m constantly cleaning the house. I love her like a sister but honestly it’s like living with a 4-year old sometimes. She just leaves stuff where she last put them down irrespective whether it’s a cigarette, a half full bowl of soup or her work papers. Its just dumped in the last place that she had it, so she and I have been having some strong words, to which she switched the water works on but I know it’s in one ear, out the other in reality.
She has the cheek to call me “Queenie” as apparently I’m a drama queen! What me? But seriously take some fucking responsibility for your actions, you a grown woman. Just because you haven’t got any work don’t take it out on others!
We’ve made up and she has cleaned up a bit.
Then we’ve also got this coronavirus BS which is turned everywhere into no go areas and I’ve had so many cancelled appointments with my psychotherapist, my counsellor and the doctor’s!!!
I’ve already waited quite a long time to speak to a specialist and then the appointment gets cancelled and you’re told you may have to wait another 6 months. It does not do your mental state any good.
There’s also a massive amount of periphery shit going on as well, you know the day-to-day shit?
I need to get my car serviced. My car also has a wobbly wheel from where I hit a pothole which has buckled my alloy. I can’t get it repaired and the alloys are £260 each but you cant buy them because there’s nowhere open or if they are they don’t have stock. I know that’s not annoying but having a wobbly wheel is going to end up prematurely wearing the wheel bearing out on my car so the longer I drive around with a wobbly wheel the more likely it is i’ll need new wheel bearings as well!
I lay awake at night worrying about shit like this!
Then there’s all the stuff that’s going on at my house. I bought a run down house in December at auction for a lot less the property’s market value and I’ve been doing it up bit by bit with help from two of my friends.
We’ve done really well and have totally stripped the house back to bare walls and have already done 2 bedrooms, the living room and part of the dining room but we’ve had a few issues with the roof leaking at first and now with coronavirus.
Not that we’ve had coronavirus but the supply chain has dried up. No supplies means no stock and we’ve struggled to get plaster, plasterboard and even paints and wood.
Plus we’ve had an issue with our neighbours complaining about the smell of weed in their house coming through from ours so we’ve had to go seal the loft between the houses. God, I love using expanding foam!
While I don’t want to piss my new neighbours off by telling them to do one, I think I might have to say something if they come round again!
I’m just mentally drained and I really need a weekend away, out on the town with friends. Get drunk, get shagged and do it all again the day after and bollocks to the consequences.
Im not the kind of person to whine or complain usually but at present im struggling to see any positives in a sea of negativity. 😭
Someone pass the Prozac and a bottle of tequila!