anxiety Archives - Official website of Mikki Tiamo

Anxiety on Prostrap

Mikki Tiamo — Fri, 01 Nov 2024 22:31:33 +0000

It’s nearly three months since my last injection of Prostrap and this month’s hormone change is really fucking my head up, emotionally!

As you may have read I’ve been prescribed Prostrap as a testosterone blocker to help with my transition and I’ve been on it now for over 6 months. This is administered as a quarterly injection.

But….

I’m so emotional at the moment that I’m crying at the very slightest things and several times this week I just spontaneously burst in to tears for no reason. Take this morning, I had a bad dream and woke up fine, next thing I know I’m sat on the edge of the bed sobbing uncontrollably and it took my partner nearly half an hour to calm me down.

Completely irrational and for no reason whatsoever!

My anxiety is also next level at the moment and on one or two occasions I’ve been so wracked with anxiety that I cannot function until I’ve calmed down.

The other night was so bad I laid in bed and curled up and shook for nearly an hour.

Then this evening I witnessed the aftermath of two accidents. One on the M6 and another on the M62 and the graphic images of the vehicles, especially from the accident on the M62, set me off again with anxiety and uncontrolled crying when I got home and I sobbed in the car and then sat on the floor in the house.

I have to speak to my prescribing agent as this only seems to occur on month three after the injection of Prostrap.

I’ve no history of having such bad anxiety attacks but have suffered from depression in the past.

I know that anxiety and emotional outbursts on Prostrap as known side effects but these are bad this quarter.

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Anxiety is killing me

Mikki Tiamo — Wed, 17 Apr 2024 19:18:55 +0000

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Every waking moment besieged,
Eyes flutter open, there it looms,
A relentless presence, sealing my doom.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Lying in bed, trapped in dread,
To rise or to stay, the dilemma weighs,
A prisoner of my own anxious maze.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Mind racing, thoughts in disarray,
A cacophony of worries, a tangled thread,
I’m lost in a whirlwind, one and two and red.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Simple tasks become a futile chase,
Even in solitude, uncertainty strikes,
To shower or sit, decision spikes.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Second-guessing my every move,
Lists made and promptly erased,
Frustration mounting, sanity misplaced.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Dysphoria whispers in the mirror’s gaze,
A distorted reflection, a cruel charade,
Self-image shattered, confidence swayed.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Workday chaos, thoughts a blur,
Disarray reigns, tasks disjointed,
A constant struggle, feeling thwarted.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Struggling to pen these lines,
Words scattered, focus fleeting,
In a mental storm, I’m left reeling.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Repeated attempts, each one a mess,
Handwriting shaky, clarity lost,
Overwhelmed by the mental cost.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Reaching out, seeking solace,
But silence echoes, doubts unfurl,
Fear grips tight, a heart in whirl.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Listening to friends, their tales untold,
Yet their burdens weigh heavy,
A fragile thread, my resolve tested bold.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
In solitude, the noise persists,
Unsettling whispers, an eerie dread,
Haunted by thoughts, alive and dead.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Longing to purge the toxic brew,
But even if I could expel,
It would return, relentless and cruel.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Struggling to navigate life’s rhyme,
A constant battle, an endless fight,
In the depths of despair, I seek a light.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Grasping at straws, striving for control,
Yet the void remains, gaping and wide,
A gaping hole where peace should reside.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
I know in time, it may wane,
But for now, I’m shackled tight,
Bound by fear, in endless night.

Anxiety, it’s suffocating me,
Please, just let me be,
If only for a moment, a fleeting reprieve,
Release your grip, and let me breathe.

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Anxiety again

Mikki Tiamo — Mon, 11 Jan 2021 21:39:34 +0000

Anxiety again, doing my head in.
Cant be myself, Stepping backward again,
Because, I can’t be, the real me,
A dose of anxiety as bad as can be.

Working away, 2 weeks, 10 hours a day,
Work environment says, no heels, no make-up,
Can’t even call myself by my name, resort to my dead name,
My mental anguish, this is failing to fix.

The longer I’m not me, personality locked away,
I think that I’m not doing the right thing over and over again,
This makes me feel like I’m worthless, not worthy of life,
It’s not happening as I want and I’ll never be good enough.

I wake and exist, my life feels so numb,
This job makes me feel so bad inside of my head,
Work hard all day and then return to an empty hotel room,
No pub I can go to, so I lie on my bed.

I can’t sleep either, don’t want to be here,
Anywhere is preferential, so I sit here and sink,
My thoughts screaming at me, my anxiety makes me feel bad,
I try to be cheery, but end up more sad.

Why am I worried, why should I care,
No one gives a shit about me out there,
I toss and I turn but anxiety says,
Soon you’ll have to get up and face another day.

My anxiety now raging, feeling bad deep inside,
but the thoughts in my head, can’t escape from this time,
I hate how I feel and I hate how I look,
Not who I want to be, this is not who I am.

I slumber a little but awake with a jolt,
My mind it is racing, say’s you’re something your not,
I arise and I shower, catch a glimpse in the mirror,
This person I see, not pleasant, not a winner.

One more day’s work and a night in my Covid lockdown box,
Then I can leave this work prison and get back to my life,
Look forward to arising and getting dressed up so nice,
One more day at this shit hole of a place.

I finish after 14 hours and shower and lay on my bed,
Tomorrow my life returns to normality, inside and outside my head,
I sleep like a baby and arise fully rested and set,
Can dress as me today, my patience long tested.

I arise many hours before I have to leave the Covid hotel,
Preen myself into oblivion, today I return to myself,
I dress like a queen, best of everything i’ve got,
Look like a million dollars, in the mirror I spot.

2 hours go by and I feel fit to burst,
High heels, stockings, and suspenders, my long dress does hide,
My suitcase is packed, place my coat on my shoulders,
Step outside my room, my excitement can’t hide.

I catch my reflection in the mirror in reception,
Damn babes, you look like you, you look fab,
I step outside the hotel and my anxiety flies away,
I wave a little but know it will be back another day.

In 5 hours, I return to my home,
I feel amazing even though I’m alone,
Dressed like I want to, I step from the car,
Back home now bitches, I’m Mikki and proud.

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