Today I’ve done the second hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I said goodbye to Chanterelle for the final time as I scattered her ashes.
The first hardest thing!
Firstly, let’s roll back to 2022, and the first hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
This was to prematurely end her life to save her from a painful death.
This decision has killed me inside for the past two years and caused me a great anguish but deep down I know I made the right decision to put my pet to sleep.
She would never have gotten better again, even if I had a huge pot of money to throw at the vets and I would have just been postponing the inevitable outcome.
She almost made it to 15 years old which for her breed is a good age.
The second hardest thing!
Jump back to today, and something I’ve been putting off for nearly two years.
Releasing her ashes go, and letting her finally fly free.
There has been one place in both our lives over the near 15 years, a place we both loved, where she was safe to run round all day long, not causing a nuisance to anyone other than myself. So, on this most recent visit there I took her ashes so as to let her fly free at our favourite place.
The decision to do this has been really really hard and I’ve put off this trip many times as I just could not pick myself up mentally enough to do this in the past.
Each time I tried, I stalled, or could not bring myself to do this.
This time has been very different, as I had someone with me to hold my hand, both emotionally and physically.
Someone who has also given me a lot of love and support over the past weeks, as well as today, when we scattered her ashes.
This is my wonderful girlfriend, Lilly.
She has put up with my constant anxiety for the past few days, as the event has got closer, and today has helped me emotionally and even made me a lovely little wreath to mark the spot.
She’s also given me a shoulder to cry on as doing this alone would have emotionally crippled me. Doing this with someone has drained me to the point where they am as emotional as hell, so doing this alone would have been crippling!
Without her support I would not have done this today, or any other day!
She has even bought me a pendant to decant some of Chante’s ashes into so I still have a part of her close to my heart.
Even something as simple as taking of some of Chante’s ashes and putting them in to the pendant sent me into a massive bought of crying this morning. Which ended up with me looking like a panda because I cried some much. With all my makeup running all over my face.
What happened?
We arrived at the location and I started with a breakdown and cried my eyes out in the car and it took me quite a few minutes to compose myself to pick my rucksack up, with Chante’s ashes in, and take my dog for one last walk.
On arriving at her final resting place we sat for a few minutes while I had breakdown no. 2.
I somehow managed to take the pouch out of my bag which contained her ashes and sit it on the ground.
Queue breakdown no. 3, and it was quite sometimes before I summoned up the strength to empty the bag of ashes on to the ground.
I chose not to scatter them as I wanted all her ashes in the same place and not flying through the air. I am sure this will happen in due course as the area is very windy, but for me I need to see them as a pile and not scattered.
Lilly had made a little bouquet of the local flowers, and we laid this on top the pile of ashes surrounding the ashes with local grasses in the shape of a love heart.
I cried my heart out as this was a massive realisation that she wasn’t coming back home with me.
We sat for quite a while as I talked about her to Lilly and the walks we used to have.
Also about how good a dog she really was and how she was the only thing which kept me alive when I’d hit rock bottom in my life.
I cried again as we left but I know that this is for the best.
She’s at rest now in a place she loved, a place we both loved. Wherever she is I hope that’s she’s running free and is happy.
Conclusion
Whenever people say, it’s just a dog, I wonder if their animal is actually a member of their family or they are just keeping it for their own sake.
Before leaving Cornwall I went to see a very good friend of mine who knew and loved Chante, and we discussed where I had left her ashes, which is close to his home. He said he’d keep an eye out for her and make sure she is safe in her final resting place.
Run free Chante, mummy misses you terribly and she will be back to see you soon!