You know sometimes you just have to sit down and take stock of your life, and this year has been one of those years. So here again I write my thoughts down about my life.
I rarely look back but this year I did.
Looking at where I was five years ago and remembering the mental and emotional wreck that I was.
Then I look at myself today and I honestly cannot believe that we once that very person!
I haven’t had a boat of depression now for a very long time but while I still occasionally have boats of anxiety, these are usually only from dealing with other people, I am very happy with life.
At the start of this year I made the decision that I wasn’t going to live to work anymore which, if I’m honest, I’ve probably been doing for the past 30 years mainly to keep others happy.
I wasn’t going to pander to what society thinks I should be doing as an over 50 year old person, and I decided that I would do what I wanted to do, even if that means I’m not working or I’m turning work down.
All of the customers that I deal with on a daily basis are really some of the best people in the world and although we don’t always see eye to eye, we do have a good relationship and I’d like to think a good friendship as well.
This also extends to the people that my customers employ, who are also bloody amazing. I couldn’t have done what I have in my life without these people. Love and respect to you all.
This has lead me to think about life and decide that this year, as well as serving these beautiful people, that I also need to be serving myself, both financially and recreationally.
So, since the start of the year I think I have actually only been at home for six full weekends, and we’re now nearly in July.
This isn’t because I’m out painting the town red every weekend, far from it. It’s because I’m spending more time with my friends than ever before.
Going to festivals, working at festivals, or just going for a walk with the people I truly love.
And if I’ve told you “love you”, know that it’s from my heart.
To those I’ve said “I love you” know I absolutely love you with every fibre of my body and it’s something I only say to those who are special to me.
Long may this lifestyle continue as the other ways I’ve tried suck!
One of the things I’ve gleaned from taking stock of my life is that life is about experiencing things and ultimately having fun doing those things. Unless their for monitory gain or because their enjoyable, what other reason would you want. Yes it’s a very simplistic view but I honestly can’t see a reason to want to do certain things.
I get no enjoyment from watching TV, so why would I do it? Etc ..
I don’t know what point I’m trying to make yet but I do know, this is fun (let’s do more), that isn’t fun (don’t want to do that)!
Also part of me taking stock was that in the late months of last year a number of my friends have found out that they had life changing and/or life threatening injuries/diseases which has given them, and ultimately me, a very different outlook on life. I support those friends in everyway I can and wish them well in their journey.
Sadly, this has continued into this year with a few more of my friends finding out that they’ve got cancer, and in all cases this requires major chemotherapy and surgery.
It’s ultimately made me aware that I/our time on this planet is short, and it’s only a matter of time, or the luck of the draw (if you like), before this possibly happens to myself and I do not want to look back from a hospital bed and lay there saying “I wish I’d done those things”. As I have ample opportunity to do them NOW, and I’m not going to put them off.
Even now as I finalise writing this, I am sat in a field in the Lake District waiting for a festival to start, and many of my friends to arrive.
This weekend will be filled with a lot of talking, laughing, dancing, and people enjoying life to the fullest. As I know most of these people, there will be a lot of love and respect, surely this is what life is about?
To paraphrase the Irving Walsh quote from Trainspotting.
Choose Life.
Choose a job.
Choose a career.
Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance.
Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments.
Choose a starter home.
Choose your friends.
Choose leisurewear and matching luggage.
Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves.
Choose your future.
Choose life…
But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life.
I chose somethin’ else.
And the reasons?
There are no reasons.
Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?
I realise the last line is not where I want to be, not on heroin, but substitute “heroin” with your guilty pleasure and the quote makes more sense. For me that substitution is dancing!
It’s the only thing in my life which I want to do all the time, I love it. Dancing makes me forget everything and just be in the moment for the pure joy of it. Especially when I close my eyes.
My heroin substitute are my brains own drugs, Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphins
Have fun, enjoy your life, do what makes you happy with people who care.
Taking stock also left me realising that in the past I have also been quite good at self deprecating which for those who don’t know what it is, its actually putting yourself down.
I really need to stop doing this and this is the year to stop doing it!
I know that I am a fucking amazing person and I’m loving, caring, a good listener, empathic – to a degree and I’m also a really beautiful person.
No if or buts, this is what I think about myself. This is also what others tell me, frequently!
I’m still taking stock so I might revisit this again in the future but it’s off my chest!
