I let someone in and they broke my heart

Over the past few months I’ve really been struggling with my emotions, I let someone in and they broke my heart and it really put me in a tailspin. So much so that not only did I crash and burn but I struggled to get out of the wreckage alive.

About 2 months ago, I started getting feelings for someone who was very affectionate towards me, someone who I thought felt the same way about me. We’ve been friends for some time and their attitude towards me changed, showing me more affection, more touchy-feely, and lots more positive comments.

Turned out I was wrong and after they’d got what they wanted out of our friendship (or maybe didn’t get what they wanted), overnight just switched me off. I should have listened to my friends, a number who pulled me to one side and said “Something not right here” and “I dont like them”

Prior to this, I’d get messages all day long, and then all of a sudden, boom. Gone!

Phone calls initially rang out and then muted. Whatsapp and messenger blocked.

Why did I let someone in and then, why did they just walk out of my life without a second thought!

I let my guard down for 5 minutes and someone nipped in and made me feel special for 5 minutes but turns out it was only my lifestyle they wanted. By that I mean, night/weekends away, nice hotels, nice food, and free drinks.

I should have seen the signs when they never bought me anything, not even around or drinks, and gratitude was never shown, but that’s not the first time that’s happened to me!

Isn’t the first time but it will definitely be the last. From now on, Bitch with heart of stone!

My defenses are rebuilding, my defenses have been re-inforced and I won’t be letting anyone in again.

Lesson learned, no more tears, pick myself up and onwards and upwards!

If you read this, you will have to face me as the social circle we move in is very small and remember who’s the diva!

Being Single

For the first time since 1996 I find myself well and truly being single. Not in a relationship.

You know what? I’m not really bothered about this. Thought I was but I’ve realised I’m really not.

Almost immediately after the breakdown of my marriage I started another relationship.  Perhaps because of my own stupidity or whatever, it came an end and despite many short term liaisons since, I find myself single for the first time in over 24 years.

For the past couple of months I have mourned my relationships because I’m not in one but alas no more and I’m not even seeking another relationship either.

Firstly, I need to spend some time on my own to find me again, and secondly because I am quite content to be on my own and do things for me. Yep, I’ve got selfish syndrome.

I’ve started photography again, I’ve started running again, I’ve started going away more, I’ve just dropped everything on more than one occasion and just disappeared for a week and I’ve bought myself things I’ve promised myself in the past but never purchases because I was afraid of my partner’s reaction.

Another reason is because I’m beginning to reconnect with my old friends, enjoying the ones I have already and am quickly making many new ones.

I’ve realised that because of my relationships I’ve pushed friends and family away, especially when I was married, and family and friends are also important in life and even in a relationship.

The reaction from friends over the past few months has been nothing short of spectacular and I do have some really good friends, some of who I haven’t seen for years and some who have circumstances similar to me. Most who have been there to share life with, talk to, listen to, comfort, and offer advice if needed.

I love my friends as they have rallied round when I’ve been down in the dumps and dragged me out of a well of self-pity.

I admit I have looked at online dating sites but have removed myself very quickly as the bile and vitriol I see in the profiles of others makes me recoil in horror at these people.

What is going on in your head for you to think that what you’ve written in your profile is going to attract someone?

“Yeah, next” swipes left!

I’ve also had some very rude and candid comments from women which makes me again recoil away from them and online dating websites however I do kind of admire you bottle but perhaps say “I’m only interested in men with beards, beer bellys and a steroid infatuation”

Perhaps if you’d thought more to include what you want instead of what you don’t want then perhaps you wouldn’t perceive it as a waste of time!

If you’re on one of these sites and you are thinking of starting afresh, ask yourself.

First are you over your ex? So many of you aren’t and asking a new person to help you heal is a recipe for disaster and it’s unfair to start a relationship with “heal me” if you ask me.

Secondly, ask yourself if you are ready for a commitment and ask yourself if you actually want a relationship or just someone to pander to you?

I’ve been on many dates in the past year but I think a few of them just wanted a free lunch, no they actually wanted a free lunch! Had too many financial hangers on recently!

The best relationships recently have been those that have just said “I’m lonely and want someone to talk to”, “I’d like to have sex with you” and even “I want to go out and don’t want to go alone”.

So, I’m not even looking, don’t want a partner, not too bothered about one night stands either.

I want to be me, find me and find peace with myself. I’m not unhappy, I’m not angry, I’m not searching for something unobtainable. I’m just happy being alone.

Not arsed, not looking and happy to be single.


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