Broken!

Broken!

I know a lot of people think I’m a very strong person but I am very mentally fragile at the moment and that mental state feels like it’s been dropped on the floor and smashed into 1000 pieces!

I don’t know why but I always get quite emotional near my birthday day, and that’s not a queue for sympathy, but every year around this time, I usually get quite down, depressed and turn into an emotional wreck!

What people see of me in person is quite a strong, happy individual but what lies underneath can sometimes be a very unhappy and lonely person.

This is how I feel at the moment, very sad, very emotional and extremely lonely!

It doesn’t matter what I do I don’t seem to be able to get out of this mental state at the moment.

Being around others helps but I don’t really want to converse as much as normal and being around certain people makes me fixate unhealthily on them! Getting emotionally attached when i’m like this is hard to restrain from!

I had a brief respite yesterday after a massive hug from one of my friends but I did want to burst into tears when she hugged me!

I also always feel awkward as I dont want hug people too long but those same people just give such good hugs that I struggle to let go!

I hate feeling like this, I hate not having anyone to hug, I hate feeling this emotional pain, and I want it to stop! I can’t take this level of pain anymore

Everybody tells me “oh, Mikki you’re so nice, you’re such a good person” but I don’t want think I am and sometimes wonder if these are shallow words or things said to “be nice” because we English are like that!

I don’t know what to think though, am I “nice” cos I feel like I get walked on too much in this life or that people steer clear of me because I’m nice?

Oh! Why wont my brain let me stop feeling like this?

I can’t stop crying!

I’ve been like this all month and it’s like all the grief, guilt, hurt, anger, emotional baggage has hit me like a fright train and it just keeps pounding my brain, over and over again as it’s huge mass rolls over me!

I’m normally such a talkative person but I think this week I’ve been about as much fun to be around as a septic tank!

What the fucking hell is wrong with me?

Is it the hormones? Or is it because I’m just not dealing with my mental problems?

I refuse to drink as although this numbs the pain for a short while it makes me even more meloncolly and I can’t sleep unless I get really hammered. In which case it’s not sleeping, it’s passing out!

Is it something else?

I don’t know but it’s like grief, not for any person or anything but I just feel like all the emotion in my life that I’ve ever had has come back in one go and dumped itself on to me right now!

I hate this pain, please, make it go away!

Page Title: Broken!
Page URL: https://mikkitiamo.com/broken/
Categories: blog, Personal,

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