As a Trans person let me first tell you how hard it is to be trans.
I’m not looking for sympathy, pity, or even your understanding, I just want you to accept that this is how I’ve chosen to live my life. Nothing more.
Let’s take a minute to understand why I want to live my life as the sex other than what I was designated at birth.
I’ve written about this before but I’ll summarise that I have never felt right in my body or mind and always liked feminine things and in my mid 40’s sought psychological help with my mental state which ended with me being diagnosed with gender dysphoria. This post is to help others understand what they might come up against.
There will be another article being posted shortly called “What’s good about being trans?” Watch this space!
Even now I occasionally still seek psychological help when I have a down moment and talking helps massively.
People think I woke up one day and said “I want to be a woman”.
No, this feeling was always there in the background, and only by digging deep did I understand the feelings I’ve been dealing with for as long as I can remember.
Now, even before you jump into being trans there’s the “becoming” trans phase and you must first admit you are trans. This is a hard decision to make.
So in 2019, I was handed a report which I read over and over and over and over, well you get the picture. It turned me into an insomniac overnight and I don’t think I slept much from September to November of that year.
My health suffered as did my mental state as I sat and thought, what do I do with this?
I ended up sitting with one of my dear friends and blurted everything out to him and his fiance over the course of 3 days. I went back to their house the following weekend and we talked pretty much all of that weekend as well. I knew what was in the psychotherapist’s report was correct but I didn’t know what to do with it, plus I was scared of the repercussions of being who I wanted to be.
- what would my family think?
- what would my friends think?
- what would my customers think?
- Should I really care about what 1, 2 and 3 think?
The following Monday I went to see my parents and we talked all day about me being trans and wanting to live what was left of my life as I saw fit.
If you know something is different about you all your life, you know this but you might need help to get there. This is a massive topic all on its own and I’ll be publishing something soon on this.
Let’s take what it’s like on a daily basis and how hard is it to be trans?
I wake up every day and look at myself in the mirror and while I don’t despise what I see anymore, I really dislike my shape and form and definitely can’t look at myself naked for anything more than a few moments. I hate the way my body looks and how my complexion is, the body and facial hair, the shape, and other things!
I’ve never liked to look at myself and I think it’s probably only in the past few years I’ve started to look at myself and like what I see.
This is called body dysphoria and we all have some kind of dysphoria about ourselves whether this be our nose, face, arms, body, hands, feet, etc.
Now add in a massive dose of my body not matching the mental view of my body.
If you throw in that I feel like I was born into and have lived in the wrong body all my life, to the point both of these have caused me severe depression and massive anxiety.
I’ve done stupid things in my life to try to change this, some of them potentially life-threatening.
For over 20 years I have virtually no photos of myself and I seriously gave up on myself. I hated myself so much as I’ve always felt I was in the wrong body.
This is gender dysphoria and I only found this out after I sought the help of a psychotherapist.
I’ve known this all my life but it took many sessions talking to a professional head doctor to figure this out and what these feelings meant.
I don’t think this will ever go away as no matter what I do, what clothes I wear, what makeup I use, or what medical procedures I endure, I cannot change my mental state only appease it.
Perhaps in time, this will get easier as it has calmed since I admitted I was trans, started this transformation, and started taking estrogen.
However, there is always this thing at the back of my mind that I know I can never be what I strive to be, a woman, because I am genetically male and always will be no matter what I do in my life or changes I make to my body!
I can appear outwardly female but on a cellular level, I am XY and not XX.
Society in general
Now let’s throw in how society sees me.
At the moment some people still view me as a man in a dress!
Don’t say they don’t because they do. Well maybe not you and those that do rarely say it to my face, but some sectors of society in general.
I walk down the street and I still hear people say, “Was that a man or a woman?” and each time I hear this a little bit of my heart breaks or my psyche takes a beating one more time. So, I get up and try a little harder the very next day. Whether that be with my makeup, my clothing, my mannerisms, or my voice.
My voice kills me but I’ve started thinking massively about it now before I open my mouth!
But the next day this prejudice is there again.
I try as hard as I can to be more than I was yesterday and by accepting I am trans and pursuing my path in life it’s made me a better person.
Being Trans has definitely made me kinder, more tolerant, and accepting to and towards other people. It has also made me a much happier person.
I definitely have more friends, whom I love deeply, in all sexualities, age groups, and walks of life.
My friends who’ve joined me on my journey, I love loads, as not only have they been here for me but they have helped me immeasurably just by being there. Whether that being to talk to, for a hug or just to provide support.
You help me more than you will ever know.
I ask only of them for their love and friendship.
Over New Year someone I’ve known as an acquaintance for many years said to me “I love you. Mikki is a beautiful person”
On the flip side, you will see I am much more likely to defend myself or the friends above are more likely to defend me. Being more mentally secure you will find me voicing my opinions and if needed will stand my ground.
Life as a trans woman also throws hatred at you from all directions and I’ve had vile things said to me both in real life and online.
I used to let it go but these days I’m ready to fight or educate and deciding which can be quite a challenge.
I’ve come to blows with people, because of how I choose to live my life is unacceptable to them personally, their religious views, or because of some bigotry, they’ve long held!
A concept alien to me as I could not force my views on someone else unless those views/actions directly harmed myself or someone else.
Yes, I may be transgender but I don’t walk into a room and then demand that people acknowledge my transiness (not a real word I’m sure but, it fits the sentiment) and I never would.
All I ask is for people to accept me as a human being, nothing more.
Getting called weirdo is honestly the least of the names I’ve been called.
Why should anyone be allowed to call me this because I seek to right a mental and physical issue inside of me?
Prejudice
Essential Meaning of prejudice
1: an unfair feeling of dislike for a person or group because of race, sex, religion, etc.
The organization fights against racial prejudice.
2: a feeling of like or dislike for someone or something especially when it is not reasonable or logical
We tend to make these kinds of decisions according to our own prejudices.
Which ever way you look at it prejudice is a bad word, and I see this from all walks of life, even those within the LGBT community. To be fair I’ve also seen this aimed at my Lesbian and Gay friends as well.
I was called “an imposter” a few weeks ago by a woman in Leeds because “you shouldn’t be in the women’s toilets”
“Where should I go, in the men’s? Because I’m pretty sure I’d be in more danger in there than you are from me. Maybe your husband might like that?
Let’s be clear about this, as this is important, and distinguishes trans women from crossdressers and drag queens.
I am trans and I am medically transitioning from male to female.
As part of this, I am prescribed female hormones and testosterone blockers which after a year have left me with both no sexual drive and zero sexual desire.
I do not want sex with anyone especially if non-consensual and in a filthy bathroom!
You will find this true of most MTF transgender.
I also don’t get down on my hands and knees and look underneath the stall doors and why the hell would I want to!
I just want to pee, wash my hands, fix my lipstick and leave! Nothing else!!!
I’m not going in there to loiter or look under the stalls. Already enough folk doing that!
Other prejudices
Other forms of prejudice I get are usually from religious, mainly elderly religious people.
The elderly know no better and think that I am a Dick Emery type female, some kind of strange man’s roleplay!
Their religious beliefs can be quite rude.
Typically, I get called “a crime against God!” I’ve had this in my own village on numerous occasions.
This always makes me laugh, out loud these days as it’s quite pathetic.
Sorry, so I’m a crime against an imaginary man who lives on a cloud! Get real and get bent!
The young and stupid
The young lads mock because they mock everything and are looking for confrontation from any means possible.
They’re typically just idiots and they stand together with other idiots to appear tougher than they actually are. If they were on their own they wouldn’t act so tough.
Sadly, this is the society we live in.
The misgenderers
Oh, how some people think it’s either funny or they think they’re being clever or they’re just ignorant.
Let’s see how many times you can call me him, he, sir, bloke, fella, etc.
Funny how they stop when I call them “Twat”!
The beauty profession
I’m going to stick one more group in the prejudice category, for the time being, and that’s the beauty profession.
In the past, I have had issues getting my nails done along with my hair treatments.
Some of the places I went near to my home weren’t open to the idea of cutting my hair or painting my nails.
Fine your loss but to those who reject transgender people remember this.
We have money!
On average I have my nails done every 2 weeks and this costs me £30 a time, that’s £780 a year if you don’t do maths.
My hair I have done every 6 weeks and it costs me about £70. Which is over £600 a year.
Add that up salon owners and tell me you don’t need my business!
Now then what other things make being trans on a day-to-day basis difficult?
The other shit!
Clothing is a big issue for some trans people. Not just MTF but FTM as well.
I have 3 friends who are FTM trans and they struggle with finding male clothing small enough, particularly shoes and jeans and 2 of them end up buying kids clothes and kids shoes or they’ve got really good with a sewing machine.
I’m quite lucky that I have sized 8 feet. I can find shoes which fit but not easily. Larger-sized MTF trans struggle and I know this from many of the conversations I’ve had in the past. Particularly if they want anything stylish.
For example, I’ve been trying to buy knee-length boots recently and have really struggled to find anything which I can zip all the way up as I have larger calf muscles.
The fantasists
Short one to start with and I might elaborate on this one!
People who think that I am some kind of fantasy shag.
At first, I wanted the attention, 2 years ago but now I’ve come to detect them very quickly.
It’s usually Asian men but I’ve had quite a few women who want to have sex with a transexual. Even couples!
No, more. Don’t want anyone these days.
The medical and governmental professions
I could write War and Peace on these two.
I should add this isn’t all of the medical or governmental departments but they are both institutionally transphobic and some doctors let their religious prejudice shine through.
I have written articles on this in the past and am sure there is more to come.
This tory government is definitely transphobic otherwise they wouldn’t have given the LGB Alliance a platform at their conference in Manchester this year unless they did it for the money?
Dealing with the medical profession is a major headache and it seems dealing with them is more about battling through barriers and red tape. Let’s take for example getting my doctors to deal with the private clinic I’ve been going to for my prescriptions. At first, my own doctor said they would help with my blood test, then a few weeks later they said they wouldn’t. They then lied about the private clinic I use.
I’ve had problems getting my prescription fullfilled at a local pharmacist because I have a private prescription. If I’d have had an NHS prescription then chemists wouldn’t have batted an eyelid.
If I’d walk in with a private prescription. Different story!
The Media
This isn’t all media, just some media. Some of the alternative press are refreshingly transgender-friendly.
The established media in general though are very Trans unfriendly and exclusionary. The BBC has written some vile articles over the past few years and recently see fit to publicise anti-trans news. They have even pulled out of the Stonewall agreement.
The Daily Mail, Express and Guardian have all been trans exclusive recently and they never seem to write balanced articles about trans people.
I guess writing balanced articles doesn’t sell newspapers!
Relationships
This is a hard one to write as since admitting I’m trans and beginning my transition my needs and desires have changed.
I find myself not wanting a full-on sexual relationship and seek a more platonic but emotional relationship and this causes me problems.
I find that because of who I am, the person I am, and how I conduct myself that I attract more potential partners, but I can’t/don’t want to or struggle to provide on the physical side because it’s not necessarily what I desire on a regular basis.
I am pansexual but I am also an altruist sexually and this sometimes causes problems as my need to please others can sometimes be seen as strange.
Also, because my tastes have changed the women and men, I am attracted to fall into a ridiculously small category now, this again narrows my dating gene pool.
Does my head in, really does!
If I find you attractive, first off don’t be surprised if I tell you, and secondly, rejoice in this information because I’m not attracted to many people these days.
For the moment this is all but I will add to this as time goes on.
