Month: October 2022

Estrogen Gel back in stock

After September this year, I am now back on estradiol as it’s back in stock after previous supply issues earlier in the year which forced me to change my HRT to oestrogen patches.

Unfortunately, the patches were not as effective as the gel that ive been on for the past two years and at a recent blood test my oestrogen levels had dropped from 252 down to 101.

I’m also happy that I’m back on the gel as I really wasn’t getting on with the patches. The bloody things did not want to stay stuck to my body for the prerequisite time of three days.

The gel is easy to apply and because I have a lower oestrogen level I am on three pumps of the gel in the morning and two in the evening.

However, this dose has been making me really emotional, see broken!

Also been prescribed progesterone in the form of Utrogestan tablets which are taken orally once a day.

It has been a month now since I’ve been back on the gel and I feel much better as my testosterone levels had started to rise again and my libido had started to return.

The progesterone tablets however are a bit strange though. One of the side effects is insomnia, and I already struggle to sleep, and if I take them too late at night, I end up awake all night. Insomnia is a known side effect of progesterone.

So onwards and upwards and I look forward to my next blood test at the end of November.

Birthday Thanks

On this day of my birth
I hope you can see
I’m happy with life
As happy can be
I’d like to say thank you
To all of my friends
For helping, me be me
Filled with happiness and glee
I’m 52 today
Enjoying all this life
So thanks, to you all
For saying happy birthday
It means a lot, I love you all
It’s made me feel aglow
Like I’m special
I guess you all do know
And those that said “hi”
My heartfelt reward
Just because
You made my day
And all those that messaged
Or gave me a call
A place in my heart
You’re the most special of all
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Progesterone or depression?

I’ve been on progesterone now for a month and a half and for the past 2 weeks my mental state has been awful. I’m not saying it is the progesterone but it’s got me thinking!

I’m not talking little waves of emotion here, I’m talking like massive elation down to almost suicidal thoughts.

Today’s been the worst and I found myself sobbing like a baby in a cafe at dinnertime. So bad I made my escape and returned to the hotel I’m staying at, I’m working away.

On return to the hotel I cried for about an hour, not sobbing, proper bawling my eyes out and even writing this 12 hours later I’m beginning to feel the same way again.

While I was sat there this afternoon I began thinking, surely the world wouldnt miss me if I wasn’t here!!!

I’ve never had thoughts like this all my life and I’ve been through some really rough shit in my life time!

I’m loath to talk to my health care professional as they put notes on my medical record which having read what they’ve written in the past and seen how it’s affected things like my life insurance premiums, I really don’t want to speak to them at the moment!

Im thinking it’s the progesterone or maybe I actually am depressed.

 

Broken!

I know a lot of people think I’m a very strong person but I am very mentally fragile at the moment and that mental state feels like it’s been dropped on the floor and smashed into 1000 pieces!

I don’t know why but I always get quite emotional near my birthday day, and that’s not a queue for sympathy, but every year around this time, I usually get quite down, depressed and turn into an emotional wreck!

What people see of me in person is quite a strong, happy individual but what lies underneath can sometimes be a very unhappy and lonely person.

This is how I feel at the moment, very sad, very emotional and extremely lonely!

It doesn’t matter what I do I don’t seem to be able to get out of this mental state at the moment.

Being around others helps but I don’t really want to converse as much as normal and being around certain people makes me fixate unhealthily on them! Getting emotionally attached when i’m like this is hard to restrain from!

I had a brief respite yesterday after a massive hug from one of my friends but I did want to burst into tears when she hugged me!

I also always feel awkward as I dont want hug people too long but those same people just give such good hugs that I struggle to let go!

I hate feeling like this, I hate not having anyone to hug, I hate feeling this emotional pain, and I want it to stop! I can’t take this level of pain anymore

Everybody tells me “oh, Mikki you’re so nice, you’re such a good person” but I don’t want think I am and sometimes wonder if these are shallow words or things said to “be nice” because we English are like that!

I don’t know what to think though, am I “nice” cos I feel like I get walked on too much in this life or that people steer clear of me because I’m nice?

Oh! Why wont my brain let me stop feeling like this?

I can’t stop crying!

I’ve been like this all month and it’s like all the grief, guilt, hurt, anger, emotional baggage has hit me like a fright train and it just keeps pounding my brain, over and over again as it’s huge mass rolls over me!

I’m normally such a talkative person but I think this week I’ve been about as much fun to be around as a septic tank!

What the fucking hell is wrong with me?

Is it the hormones? Or is it because I’m just not dealing with my mental problems?

I refuse to drink as although this numbs the pain for a short while it makes me even more meloncolly and I can’t sleep unless I get really hammered. In which case it’s not sleeping, it’s passing out!

Is it something else?

I don’t know but it’s like grief, not for any person or anything but I just feel like all the emotion in my life that I’ve ever had has come back in one go and dumped itself on to me right now!

I hate this pain, please, make it go away!

Sick and tired of being nice

Sick and tired of being nice, getting nowhere.
Another day older, but not yet quite there.
Now I’ll ignore you, protect me, myself.
Don’t say I’m bad, like you’re left on the shelf!
Can’t be nasty, it’s not in my nature.
But not in a good place, left mentality unstable.
I really can’t keep doing, this dating shit!
Gave you my heart, foolishly though, every last bit.
Didn’t see your bad side, blind as a bat.
You said really bad things, behind my back.
Alone I now stay, emotionally devoid.
And beautiful women, I should avoid!
Give me the drugs to remove, this libido.
I’m happier then, don’t get a bruised ego.
Why did you do, those things to me.
Didn’t deserve them, stay away from me.
Treated you right, you treated me bad.
I just don’t deserve that, goodbye, adiós, Ciao!

A quick walk round the Northern Quarter and the gay village

Today I had the pleasure of a quick walk round the Northern quarter and the gay village in my home city of Manchester.

The photos below are some of the shots I took of the street art and beautiful buildings in these area of the city.

The Halloween hats are outside #Via on Canal Street

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